Thomas J Parlette
“The Real Housewives of Philippi”
Philippians 4: 1-9
10/15/23
When it comes to reality TV filled with drama and conflict – nobody does it better than Bravo. One of my guilty pleasures is following the food competition Top Chef. It’s mostly a good-natured, but highly competitive show that pits chefs from all over the country looking to make a name for themselves in the culinary world. I’ve watched it for years – in fact, I think I’ve seen every season.
My other guilty pleasure on Bravo is the reality series Below Deck. The show alternates between private chartered yachts in the Caribbean, the Mediterranean and now down under, in Australia. If nothing else, it’s enjoyable escapism to look at the blue waters and exotic locations. The show revolves around the challenge and drama of serving sometimes very demanding charter guests and combining that with the drama that exists below deck with the relationships among the crew.
But the reality series that really went over the top with drama and conflict was the Real Housewives series, which I am proud to say I do not watch. It started with the Real Housewives of Orange County. In all, there have been 11 different shows in the series, all taking place in some interesting city, usually in the United States – but there was one done in Dubai. They’ve been everywhere from New York City to the Potomac, from Dallas to Salt Lake City, from Beverly Hills to New Jersey. The biggest irony of the Real Housewives series, is that the women featured on these shows are hardly “real” at all – and neither are most of the situations. In fact, the basic plotline seems to be – “let’s go out to dinner or take a trip together and see how many fights we can get into, the cattier the better.” Every show is just one big drama filled conflict. It’s the life blood of the series.
At the end of the season, all the cast members get together in the Bravo Clubhouse and Andy Cohen stirs the drama pot even more. It’s all based on the drama of conflict.
Which is exactly what Paul is trying to avoid at his favorite little church in Philippi. Rather than stirring the pot, Paul is trying to find a way to turn down the heat and resolve the conflict and drama that appears to be simmering in Philippi.
We’ve spent the last few weeks working through our lectionary selections from Paul’s letter to the Philippians. We started in the first chapter as Paul encouraged us to live a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ. Then we considered Paul’s words about humility as he directed us to consider the needs of others, but also consider your own needs as well. And last week, we learned that we’re never really done with the life of discipleship – all we can do is press on towards the goal of for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.
Today, we end our tour of Philippians with Paul’s final words to his favorite church. It’s possible that Paul wrote other letters after this one, but in Paul’s mind, he considered this his final correspondence. You can hear that in his words.
“Rejoice in the Lord always… Let your gentleness be known to everyone. Don’t worry about anything, but make your requests known to God. Whatever is true. Honorable, just and pure, think of these things. Keep doing what you have learned from me, and may the peace of God be with you.”
It sounds very much like he is not expecting to see them again and this is his final goodbye as he sums up many of the themes that dominate the letter.
Paul also seems to give us a clue as to what prompted him to write to the church in Philippi in the first place. In verse two he names two women in particular. “I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord.” Paul is echoing what he has already said in chapter two about “being of the same mind and having the same love, being of one accord and of one mind” – except this time, at the end of the letter, he calls out two specific individuals. Perhaps Paul had been tipped off that something was brewing between these two leaders in the church there at Philippi and he decided to write the church a letter about living together in Christian community. It seems that Paul was well aware that this drama with these two leaders had the potential to blow up into a Real Housewives of Philippi situation, complete with conflict and drama that could do significant harm to young church.
As Rachel Held Evans once said about living in community: “The good news is you’re a beloved child of God; the bad news is you don’t get to choose your siblings.” (1)
Paul goes on to point out that the church has a role in the peace-making process. He calls upon the church community to be a moderator of sorts for these two women to settle their disagreement, whatever it might have been.
David Brooks, writing in the New York Times, has pointed out “Nine Nonobvious Ways to Have Deeper Conversations” when you are called upon to lead warring parties towards reconciliation:
1. Approach with awe. CS Lewis once wrote that if you’d never met a human and suddenly encountered one, you’d be inclined to worship this creature. Every human being is a miracle in their own way.
2. Ask elevating questions. Some questions, startling as they seem at first, compel us to see ourselves from a higher vantage point. Questions like “What crossroads are you at? What commitments have you made that you no longer believe in? What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
3. Ask open-ended questions. Many of us have a tendency to ask questions that imply judgment, like “where did you go to school?” Or we ask yes/no questions like “did you have a good day?”, which basically shut down interesting answers. Better questions start with “What was it like…” or “Tell me about a time…”
4. Let people be authors, not witnesses. The important part of people’s lives is not what happened to them, but how they experienced what happened to them.
5. Treat attention as all or nothing. We all have divided attention, it’s a fact of life. But in conversation it’s best to act as if attention has an on/off switch instead of a dimmer. Total focus on the moment.
6. Don’t fear the Pause. Most of us stop listening to a comment about halfway through so we can be ready with a response.
7. Keep the gem statement front and center. In the midst of many difficult conversations, there is what mediator Adar Cohen calls the gem statement. This is the statement that keeps the relationship together, what you have in common, what holds you in relationship. For instance, if some siblings are having a disagreement about the health care needs of an aging parent, it might be wise to say, “Even though we can’t agree on Dad’s medical care, I’ve never doubted your good intentions. I know you what the best for him.” If you can seize that gem statement it’ll be easier to come to a solution.
8. Find the disagreement under the disagreement. I am reminded of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, in which Ray and Debra have an argument over a new can opener. They both have their versions of what happened and their family members quickly take sides, noting that the whole disagreement is ridiculous because it’s all over a can opener. Then the older brother Robert, a police officer, says, “In all the domestic disputes that I’ve been involved in – I’ve learned one thing. It’s never about the can opener.” And finally Ray and Debra get down to the real reasons for their disagreement.
9. And finally, employ the midwife model. Sometimes people will solve their own problems, if you let them talk themselves through it. Rev. Margaret Guenther once wrote that a good conversationalist in these cases is like a midwife, helping the person give birth. That means spending a lot of time patiently listening to the other person teach themselves through their own narration. Many people come to a solution on their own that way. (2)
You can see Paul using these techniques throughout his letter. For blogger Ann Malmberg, handling conflicts and reaching a resolution boil down to two things.
1. Acknowledging you’re on the same team.
2. Answering the question, “What outcome best serves our relationship.
Focusing on who’s right and who’s wrong means you’re not putting much effort into understanding the other person better or thinking about how you can compromise. And that means you might be missing out on a really great opportunity to connect. (3)
You can hear Paul using those concepts as he urges the Philippians to be of one mind and the same accord, and keep striving for the goal of the heavenly prize in Christ Jesus. In this way, Paul hopes the church in Philippi can find peace once more.
In the aftermath of September 11th, Judyth Hill wrote a poem about peace – it’s called Wage Peace. In part she writes:
“Wage peace with your breath.
Breathe in firemen and rubble,
Breathe out whole buildings and flocks of red wing blackbirds.
Breathe in terrorists
And breathe out sleeping children and freshly mown fields.
Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.
Breathe in the fallen and breathe out lifelong friendships intact.
Wage peace with your listening: hearing sirens, pray loud…
Wage peace.
Never has the world seemed so fresh and precious:
Have a cup of tea: and rejoice.
Act as if armistice has already arrived.
Celebrate today. (4)
In these final words to his favorite church, Paul encourages them, and us, to wage peace, in his own way. I think he would agree with Judyth Hill’s advice to rejoice and celebrate – for he says it twice in verse 4 today – “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say Rejoice!”
May God be praised. Amen.
1. homileticsonline, retrieved 10/2/23.
2. Ibid…
3. Ibid…
4. Ibid…
